Nerima Home Companion: Haha Ukyou
by Ukyou Kuonji
Summary: Ranma in the style of Garrison Keillor: Ukyou presents Nerima with... a son?


The stage is dimly lit, and empty, and the audience awaits the featured   
speaker. He walks onstage, carrying a metre-high three-legged stool.   
He sets it down, center stage front, and as the spotlight falls upon   
him, we notice the dark circles under his eyes. He has aged twenty   
years or so since we recall him, but it is clearly Hikaru Gosunkugi.   
His days of dabbling with voodoo long behind him, he now holds forth   
weekly on this very stage, and his gravy-like voice (well, it's brown   
and lumpy, anyway, as he would say) is carried across Japan on NHK   
public radio.  
  
The audience is silent as he begins his monologue:  
  
"It's been a quiet week in the Nerima district of Tokyo, my hometown...  
  
================================  
  
NERIMA HOME COMPANION:  
Haha Ukyou (Mommy Ukyou)  
a Ranma 1/2 fanfiction by Ukyou Kuonji  
  
With apologies to Rumiko Takahashi and Garrison Keillor  
  
================================  
  
It's been a quiet week in the Nerima ward of Tokyo, my hometown.   
Well... actually, I say that because, compared to all the stories   
from so long ago, when we were still in high school, it *has* been   
quiet. Tokyo could be levelled by an earthquake, and it would be   
quieter then some of those days back then. Anyway, it's a nice,   
comfortable opening, and after those days, "nice" and "comfortable"   
are just what Doc Tofu ordered.  
  
To be honest, there's been a bit of a stir in the business district:   
Ucchan's recently reopened... after being closed for what? Ten,   
twelve months? for "remodelling," the sign said. Folks thought of   
that as a pretty lame excuse: the NekoHanten had undergone some   
extensive remodelling shortly before the Ucchan closed down, and   
they managed to stay open throughout the whole time. Especially   
considering the fierce competition between the two restaurants, it   
didn't stand to reason that Ukyou would close her place down for   
something as trivial as remodelling. After all, remodelling is a   
pretty trivial matter in Nerima...  
  
But if there was any remodelling, it didn't even show. The place   
looked very much the same as it had before it was shuttered. A bit   
cleaner, to be sure, and everything about it looked brand new, but   
really, if you looked around, it would look very much the same as   
the last time you visited the Ucchan sometime last year. The real   
difference is in the staff.  
  
Oh, sure, you're still greeted with a chirruping "Irrashimase!" when   
you walk in the door, but the voice has a breathier tone to it, as   
if sung out in falsetto. Which it is.  
  
That's right, it's Konatsu who's tending the grill these days.   
And it's pretty clear that Ukyou's been training him in the interim;   
he may not have the flash that she does in preparing her specialties,   
but the taste is almost indistinguishable from hers. Konatsu will   
tell you it's all due to having a happy soul. And when Ukyou's   
happy, and happy with him, Konatsu can be all but delirious with   
joy... and it shows in his work.  
  
So why is Ukyou happy, especially considering that she's effectively   
downsized herself from the Ucchan, her dearest love after Ranma?   
Better you should ask why she's done that...  
  
Ukyou has found herself a new love...  
  
...a bouncing baby boy named Kuonji Kyouma.  
  
Her son.  
  
***  
  
Nerima may be a part of cosmopolitan Tokyo, but the old traditions   
are still fully honored here. Where else in this supposedly 21st   
century city would you still have children dealing with the   
confinement of arranged marriages, after all? Needless to say,   
unwed mothers are *not* a common thing in this family-oriented   
neighborhood. Ukyou's, ah, condition had been kept a secret only   
because she had taken the precaution of closing the Ucchan and   
leaving town during her pregnancy. Now that she has Kyouma,   
she doesn't give a rat's tail about what people think.  
  
The busybodies have already been by in full force. Several of the   
older women of the community had, none too discreetly, suggested   
that Konatsu "do the right thing" by Ukyou and marry her. "The   
child needs a father, you know..." An odd thing to say, considering   
Konatsu - the idea of him as a father figure is just a bit hard for   
most folks to wrap their minds around.  
  
It was the one time since the reopening when the kunoichi's   
okonomi-yaki were, shall we say, subpar. The biddies had raided   
the Ucchan, verbally slamming the poor ninja up against the wall.   
Never mind that he'd just poured several okonomi-yaki onto the   
grill, Ukyou's honor, as they saw it, was at stake. They kept   
haranguing Konatsu until everyone noticed a rather pungent,   
smoky odor coming from the grill.  
  
The food was burning. Which probably wouldn't have stopped the   
old hags except for the fact that it was then that it became quite   
clear that Ukyou had indeed made structural changes to her   
restaurant... such as, for example, a sprinkler system.  
  
It should be pointed out that the sprinkler system was not Ukyou's   
idea. The insurance company covering the Ucchan wanted to reduce   
the possibility of damage by fire, so they more or less required her   
to install it or lose her coverage. Against her better judgement,   
she complied.  
  
Obviously, these insurance boys knew nothing of Nerima. The   
damage fire can cause to a building there is nothing compared to   
the damage water can. Especially when the water hits the building's   
occupants.  
  
You see, Jusenkyou enjoyed quite a vogue during the recession of   
the mid to late nineties. It was trendy among underemployed Neriman   
youths to play a rather curious version of Russian roulette involving   
a six-chambered water pistol, one or two chambers of which were   
filled with imported water. And I don't mean Perrier.  
  
I think you can guess the rest. So not only does Nerima have a   
generation of martial artists with curses acquired during training   
trips, there is yet another generation of people with curses, and   
much less disciplined folks, to boot. It's a real nuisance to have   
your customers turn into furry little creatures and scramble out   
without paying the tab.  
  
It's even worse when a customers turn into an elephant when the   
sprinklers go off.  
  
Ukyou is going after the insurance company for the damages - she   
has a good case, having warned them this sort of thing would happen   
- but this time, the Ucchan remains open during remodelling. In fact,   
they just had an big open-air promotional sale, featuring rides on   
Junko the Elephant. So things worked out rather well...  
  
Except for the old biddies. Not that they needed the help, startled   
as they were by poor Junko's transformation, but Ukyou escorted   
them rather forcefully out what remained of the door. She also made   
it clear to them that Konatsu was *not* Kyouma's father; that no,   
she was not about to say who was; and would they kindly never   
darken the door of the Ucchan again.  
  
***  
  
By definition, busybodies do not give up that easily. There were   
other ways, sceintific ones even, to find out who the father was.  
  
"No, ladies, I can't run a DNA test on Kyouma. Not without his   
mother's consent." Dr. Ono did his best to be discouraging, but   
upon catching a glimpse of his wife walking past, he made a little   
slip. "Besides, it's not necessary to bother with a test like that.   
I know who the father is... I impregnated her myself..."  
  
I wish I had been there to see the looks on those old hags' faces at   
*this* revelation. A married man, getting an unmarried woman   
pregnant, and admitting to it practically in earshot of his wife?   
Why, the unmitigated gall!  
  
Oddly enough, they didn't attempt to beat him up with their canes,   
umbrellas, and water dippers. Nor did they rush out to tell Kasumi   
of her husband's infidelity. They did, however, proceed to rush   
out and inform the rest of the town about it.  
  
Which forced Dr. Ono to explain what he had done.  
  
***  
  
As I've said before, newfangled ideas do not take root in Nerima   
very easily. Sure, the grannies asked for a DNA test, but that   
was a last resort. That's an exception to the rule. And as if you   
haven't noticed, sex is not a topic that's easily broached... even   
with a sex-changing martial artist as one of the pillars of the   
community. It's there, it's accepted, it's just not talked about.  
  
So imagine the trouble Dr. Ono had trying to line up donors when   
Ukyou came to him asking about in-vitro fertilization. How on earth   
would he be able to set up a sperm bank in Nerima?  
  
Well, he did what he could to keep it secret from the community.   
Even his donors didn't know about it; they thought their, uh,   
contributions were simply a routine part of their annual physicals.   
Guys don't ask things like 'why' to their doctor... they assume he   
knows what he's doing. Well, aside from the whole prostate thing...  
  
So Kyouma could be anybody's son...   
  
But nobody's talking. Well, nobody who knows the truth.  
  
***  
  
A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned how Nerima doesn't keep its   
secrets very well. Certainly, the older women have done their part   
to maintain this part of Nerima's reputation. But there will always   
be exceptions. Ryouga's secret has been kept from Akane to this   
day, and no one knows how Happosai and Cologne keep going strong   
even so far into their second century.   
  
And now, no one knows who Kyouma's father is. There's a lot of   
speculation, and most Nerimans have zeroed in on a certain specific   
man; certainly the boy's name suggests that in some oblique way,   
Ukyou got her fondest wish, the one she gave up for lost so long   
ago. She also treats Ranma far better than any normal customer...   
of course, she's been like that ever since she set up the Ucchan   
so long ago.  
  
For his part, Ranma visits the Ucchan more often than he used to.   
Maybe he believes the rumours, too... or it may just be the martial   
artist's responsibility to the weak and fatherless kicking in.  
  
Maybe it's for the best if Kyouma never knows. This way, he's free   
to think anyone could have been, and he can pick a hero for a dad if   
he so chooses, and he'd be as likely right or wrong. The old saying   
about not being able to choose your ancestors goes right out the   
window when your talking about Kuonji Kyouma.  
  
He certainly seems happy... as long as he's fed and rested and   
surrounded by adoring grownups the way he is, how could he not be?   
It may be a strange family he's landed in, but he could do so much   
worse, after all... a happy home is all a child could ask for to   
live in, and Kyouma's got one.  
  
And everybody's free to visit the Ucchan, order their okonomi-yaki,   
and make 'gitchy-goo' noises at little Kyouma while you wait for   
Konatsu to serve them (little Kyouma puts on a better show - for   
now - than the kunoichi). You've just got to be careful if you order   
a coffee with cream to go with your okonomi-yaki... Ukyou's nursing,   
you know, and she's got plenty of milk to go around...  
  
And that's the News from Nerima...  
where all the women are strong (and how!),  
all the men... well, they aren't always men,  
and all the craziness is above average.  
  
==============  
  
Hm... this one didn't come together anywhere *near* as smoothly as   
the first two. Combine that with the fact that I haven't any other   
NHC-related ideas in the offing, and you'll understand why I'm   
going to shelve this series for a little while.  
  
There are other concepts I've got going, but nothing taking high   
priority... it may well be the next thing that shows up out here is   
my con report from AnimeIowa. Oh, well... you'll see me out on   
the KawaiiMUCK and/or FFIRC, so you're welcome to chew me out   
or offer some suggestions (I'd prefer the latter, personally)  
  
Until next time, ja!  
  
Itsu mo,  
Ucchan ^_^  



End file.
